Saturday, March 21, 2009

Dear Hometown,

Dear Sister,
I have confided in you, you laughed at me.
Dear Brother,
You have listened, but never respond.
Dear Mother,
I am afraid of your criticism.
Dear Father,
I cannot speak to you.

I love you, but it is time for some change. It is time for me to stay away. I miss you everyday, but I would miss this more. So whether or not I will ever be able to tell you, I will never be moving "home." Western New York has little left for me.

Feeling whole, complete, refreshed, recharged. Feeling empty, alone, exhausted. Day in and day out I blame it on something. I blamed commercialism on Jesus at Christmas time. My co-worker told me I was the grinchiest person she knew. She laughs and tells me I am a rotten wench. I laugh too, because sometimes it is true.

I have been thinking more and more about things. An old friend's harsh words run through my mind on a daily basis. Judgmental and cruel, they were true and cut deep. But guilt is something I cannot be bothered with, and maybe that makes me selfish. We all do what we can to get by. I hope that in the coming months I can be a better friend, lover, family member. I will be a better advocate, I will stand for things. For now, I need to throw remorse to the dogs and wait it out.

It will all balance out sooner or later.

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