Fright.

Last night. I slept. I woke up and he was so afraid, it made me so afraid.
I met his family in the middle of the night. I laughed about it later today.

Relief in subtle victories. Maybe that is what I am writing about.

Driving angrily down busy streets in Massachusetts.
Matt changes the songs on his ipod to something that will cheer me up.

Matt and I sit in the crowded bar, drowning everyone else out.
A break or two for a car bomb... or two.
Mid-conversation a song breaks the tension.
"You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life"
And I, of course, break into tears.
As many times as the world has heard that song
I doubt it's words have ever said so much.

Now I am drunk.

Matt told Jon he looks at Upstate and remembers all of the negative. All of the loss.
He told Jon and now he tells me.
He says, "I cannot go back to New York to see Shannon in a casket."

It is always a little strange to hear your own name in a dialogue that you are one half of.
Starving for something, so I starve myself.
I have no answers. Just irrational and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Although, it is not all bad.
I am closer to stable than I have ever been.
I see less and less reason to run, to move, to change.

I think I like where I am, who I am, and who surrounds me just fine.

This really is enough, it is just fine.

And to Oswego: I love you. You feel more like home than anything I've ever known.