I have spent the past three hours watching ways the earth will eventually be destroyed on the history channel. There was a 30 minute break for some giant, man-eating, fresh water fish. Comforting.

Now I am starting to believe that Yellowstone Park is going to go up in hot, liquid, firey lava and burning goo in 2012. That is how Quetzocaotl will return. In a fit of molten glory. This is just one more reason to get that RV by June. I want to see Yellowstone before it is blown up by the inner fury of the earth.

Say what you want, but no one really knows. I read a friend's blog this morning. She wrote about death; losing another friend. Invincible we are not. I do not want to spend my days working, slaving, sulking, not seeing all there is to see... I have no idea how many days are left. For me, for you, for us all.

It is not that I am in a bad mood, and I am by no means trying to be morbid. I just really want to have the fullest "human experience." At 23 I already feel like I have one foot in the grave. Maybe it is worth arguing, but I have had mortality thrown in my face.

There is so much more out there... what am I still doing here?

Enough is enough...

Things always seem to fall together when you expect them to the least. That being said, nothing seems to be working out these days.

I have resorted to way too much chocolate, way too little protein, and way too much booze. So this is life. Meh.

I have been sulking in loneliness and self-pity, which is all-around ridiculous. The fact is that on a good day I am a babe and on a bad day, well at least my mirror stays in one piece. Things could be worse. I am constantly surrounded by beautiful people who I love and who love me. In all reality... things have been worse. So what the hell?

I think I just need a dildo. Or a heated blanket. Or both.

40 Days of Sobriety.

Julie decided she was going to go on a 40 day sobriety kick after the two of us had a bit too much fun while PJ Bond was here. So, needless to say, I have joined her. One day down. Non-alcoholic fun times are being sought out, if you have any suggestions you know where to find me.

At the bottom of a bottle of rum.

But seriously, this may be harder than I think.

It just might be time to move...

Been in a little bit of a funk this week, I suppose it happens to the best of us and I have chosen to blame PMS.

Wednesday was interesting, I may or may not have lost my cool and told off everyone in the clinic. I proceeded to make the three hour drive home in a fit of rage. It worked and they listened. Can't make everyone happy all of the time and if it takes meanness to defend yourself then so be it.

Anyway, I am hoping to be home on the 30th for good. It is very much necessary and needed at this point.

Beardfest tomorrow, put your smiles on.

I guess it has been a little while. As for me, life is good. I have been real life journal-ing, writing some random nonsensical free-form poetry, painting a lot, and have rediscovered my passion for charcoal and pastels. On top of it all I have an hour a day dedicated to meditation.

A clear mind, a stable body; brittle bones gaining strength, brain gaining power.

They set me free for 4 days and I am so very grateful. I have worked so hard over the past three weeks, I have dug so many graves. 1 day down, 4 to go. No complaints. A show last night, the lake all day. The sunburn on my shoulders reminds me of the better days. It is reminding me that the better days are back.

Where I am now is a place I never thought I'd see and I've given up on all of my giving in.

I have established a self-declaration of independence, freedom, free-will. UNITY without CONTROL. I am learning that striving for freedom is only enslaving yourself to the concept and an idealistic future that may never come. Freedom has been here all along, I just needed 23 years and extensive psychotherapy to figure that out.

Tonight, we rock hard. And tomorrow. And Sunday. Monday it is back to treatment, back to reality, back to learning. But for now I can embrace all that I have achieved and hold the ones I love closer than I ever have before. This Is Real.

Power struggle. Internal. Entirely internal.
Inherited, internal, power struggle.
I am so completely (like, oh my god) over crying all of the fucking time.

So I am taking my fists, raising them high, and breaking through every part of this shit fest that has been holding me back.

Just another small scale revolution for the little ones.