When things feel like they are on the edge of falling apart, all I can do it tell myself that nothing is permanent.  I find it a little bit hard to take control when I cannot find the controls.  It's not so bad; I miss my friend.  We are not meant to live alone.  I recently learned that human infants will die if they are never touched.  It blew my mind.  So I learned more about babies and our innate needs.  Always searching for answers, reasons, some fucking explanation.  Why is my friend sad?  And why am I?  So I learned about happiness, and turns out most of us aren't happy.  I guess it's no surprise when you open your eyes or ears.

Learning is no substitute for you.

i believe...

that we all have far more than we deserve.

time to stop taking it all for granted.

Dear Life,

I love you, I do not deserve all that you have given me. Still, I will graciously accept it. I have every intention to spend the remainder of you trying to give back, to earn the rewards I already possess. Intentions mean nothing, of course. Saying and doing are so different. But maybe writing this down, publishing this to the wide open internet, maybe this will be enough to remind me (at least from time to time) that there is so much good. Cheesy. Cheesier than the cheesy bread that gave me heartburn 10 minutes ago. Whatever. Life, here is a list of the wonderful things you have given to me:

-family (jujubee included)

-lungs

-great boobs

-amazing friends

-an amazing man whom I adore

-empathy

-"some times I wouldn't trade for the world."

i could go on, but most things can be lumped into those categories.

So Life, I thank you.

Love,

Shannon

It is in finding the answer... or in knowing that there is an answer to be found? What makes you intuitive? What makes you aware? Is it recognizing the questions... is it having all of the answers? Is it neither... is it acceptance? Is it both being able to identify the questions and knowing the answers?

Radical Acceptance. What a strange concept. Radical Acceptance. Human interaction is a complicated thing. It so often gets chalked up to "drama" caused by "jealousy," and "insecurity." I feel like there is more to it than that. What is it? Is it our inability to face and cope with change? Becoming so comfortable with the way things are that when something new is thrown into the mix we all go bat-shit crazy. I don't know. You probably don't know either. So is that it then, is just acknowledging it making me wiser? Or am I really just a dumb ass because I can't find the answer.

I feel like everything is coming together at the same time it is falling apart. Maybe this is the definition of transition? I feel OK with change. Change doesn't mean you lose anything... just that you are gaining things. I am not sure I want any answers. I just want to be right here, right now and I am.

A-ha, it's a riddle!

It is what binds us together. The threads of the fabric. The fabric that is everything human.

It is that one thing that connects everything, it is the reason that things "happen for a reason."

It is the answers, all of the answers.

What is it?

Giant Explosions on Oversized TVs

That is what is happening in this room right now. Weird. A taxi just flipped upside down. I am not sure why I feel the need to comment on this, but I think the significance will find me at some point. Anyway. Work done, drive home, wild things, stealing things, I have high hopes for a good night.

Sometimes I wish I could be everything that we all know I am not. Sometimes this is enough. Ups and downs and in betweens.

Compassion. Human Connection. Empathy. How do we really get there? True equality, judgement-free. It will never matter what I have done, what they have done, what you have done, what we have done. Never. It just is.

Our "personality flaws" come from experiences, that is what I like to think. Nothing and no one is pure, not once you've left the womb. So who are any of us to judge what is "right" and "wrong" or "legal" and "illegal?" Or even better yet, who are we to define "beautiful" and "ugly?"

I have spent the past three hours watching ways the earth will eventually be destroyed on the history channel. There was a 30 minute break for some giant, man-eating, fresh water fish. Comforting.

Now I am starting to believe that Yellowstone Park is going to go up in hot, liquid, firey lava and burning goo in 2012. That is how Quetzocaotl will return. In a fit of molten glory. This is just one more reason to get that RV by June. I want to see Yellowstone before it is blown up by the inner fury of the earth.

Say what you want, but no one really knows. I read a friend's blog this morning. She wrote about death; losing another friend. Invincible we are not. I do not want to spend my days working, slaving, sulking, not seeing all there is to see... I have no idea how many days are left. For me, for you, for us all.

It is not that I am in a bad mood, and I am by no means trying to be morbid. I just really want to have the fullest "human experience." At 23 I already feel like I have one foot in the grave. Maybe it is worth arguing, but I have had mortality thrown in my face.

There is so much more out there... what am I still doing here?